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Ontology on the gone!

The Journal of the Lincoln Heights Literary Society
Miscellanea and Ephemeron

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09/30/2004 Archived Entry: "Toy Review: Edwin Morose of Teddy Scares Redux"

On the subject of Scary Teddy. (Somewhat better known as Teddy Scares. Ed)

Some reviewesque thoughts from our own Kitty Johnson

A note from the Editor: We here at J LHLS love our reviewers very much, even when we're not completely sure what they're writing about. We hope you will please bear this in mind (get it? bear this in mind?) as you read this, um, review and proceed at your own risk. Thank you.

Would everyone like to start crying now and perhaps cease only in late 2005? Then let me tell you the story of my life.

See, my mother told me that Santa Claus didn't bring dolls to big girls who were 10 years old. (In East Tennessee, the implication was that Jerry Lee Lewis would drop by instead with an engagement ring).

Guess what? That was 1959.

And guess what times two? 1959 was the first Christmas Barbie dolls were unleashed on an unsuspecting world.

So I never had a Barbie doll - never never never.

Gentlemen, start your sobbing. (Thou accursed poppet, thou haunt'st me still. Remember those bouquets of Barbies in the Sears Christmas Catalogue. Wishbook? Oh, I hardly think so: call it rather the First of Many Defeat Books. )

But this is America, and capitalism will find a way. So I dressed my rubbery big-footed bride dolls as well as I could in tattered hankies and even provided them a primitive escort service. The Kens, yes, the Kens, the Kens were teddy bears
(Kens transformed by a wicked doctor Mattel into silent lurching brutes, but they were the only male dolls I had). Obviously I'm well prepared for any toy a post-millennial world can unleash.

Including Scary Teddy of the Applehead Factory Design studio.

Scary Teddy has tiny red eyes; he seems to breathe darkness and exhale fear. (I just made that up.)

But I'm afraid the scare of Scary Teddy is nothing like the fear aroused by a recent ad I saw for a Bradford Mint "Stonewall Jackson" Ornamental Decorative Ceramic Nutcracker. That's the scariest knickknack shit ever, that is.

And Scary Teddy is also not nearly as unsettling as the toys on page 336 of the 1980 Sears Christmas catalog (I have old Sears catalogues behind each uncertain rustling purple curtain in my study): See, page 336 is the . . . oh my god . . . the ventriloquist dummy page!

No amount of loitering in the Twilight Zone could prepare us for these horrors.

To wit, item A: The Lester dummy of Willie Tyler and Lester! (What did Lester do in his other lives to deserve that face!!!)

Item B: The anatomically incorrect (and how) Simon Sez in his 1970's Pele-Disco drag!

Item C: The Susie Says vent figure! Or is it 666 Susie Says!

Shudder! Postmodern Santa, what will it be? Scary toys that aren't scary because of the irony factor, or unironic, unscary toys that redefine terror?

I knew this would end in tears.

Replies: 1 Comment

wow, this is life...

Posted by natty @ 06/20/2005 08:51 AM PST

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